Introduction: The Highly Sensitive Person's Journey Among Toxic People

When my article "20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths Use to Silence You" went viral in 2016, it reached over eighteen million people all over the world. Survivors of narcissistic individuals and mental health professionals alike shared the article with the fervor of recognition. People were astounded to see the manipulation tactics they had experienced firsthand laid out for them, and many commented that I must have known their narcissistic ex-spouse, sibling, parent, or coworker. I received many letters telling me that I had captured something that people had been trying to find validation for and understanding of for years.

Highly sensitive persons (HSPs) are in a unique position to encounter a wide variety of toxic people, because manipulators look for people with empathy, conscientiousness, and emotional responsiveness to exploit. Many who reached out to me experienced the high end of the toxicity spectrum, such as narcissistic, sociopathic, and psychopathic individuals. These victims:

· Had encountered toxic and narcissistic individuals in their relationships, friendships, the workplace, and even within their own families

· Were idealized, devalued, sabotaged, and inevitably discarded by these toxic types in ways that were cruel and callous

· Suffered months, years, even decades of verbal, emotional, and sometimes even physical or sexual abuse designed to psychologically torment and destroy them

· Were isolated, coerced, belittled, and controlled by their partners behind closed doors

· Endured stalking, harassment, pathological envy, rage attacks, chronic infidelity, and pathological lying

· Were targeted by elaborate schemes and scams that undermined them and drained them of their resources

As a self-help author, I've corresponded with thousands of survivors of toxic people. I've learned that toxic people and narcissists find it quite easy to convince a highly empathic and conscientious person that they are paranoid, losing it, or just "overreacting" when being manipulated. Therefore, these are the people who are targeted, because they can be conditioned to doubt themselves.

It's very likely that if you're reading this book, you can relate to feeling overwhelmed by the toxic people around you. Whether it's an overbearing coworker who constantly criticizes you or an abusive partner who belittles you daily, toxic people can take a toll on the mind, body, and spirit. More "benign" manipulators may cause inconvenience, stress, annoyance, and overall dissatisfaction, and they may occasionally use silencing tactics. More "malignant" manipulators, however, such as narcissists who lack empathy, pose serious harm and risk to your health, well-being, and even your life, using manipulation tactics as a primary mode of interacting with the world. Malignant manipulators exhibit hardwired behaviors that are unlikely to change, whereas benign manipulators may be more receptive to changing and boundary-setting. Though there is a spectrum of toxicity, being prepared for all the shades toxicity can come in is an essential life skill for HSPs to learn.

The survivors who have written to me are highly sensitive and empathic humans. They've been told their entire lives that they are "too sensitive." If you think you may be an HSP, the purpose of this book is to help you learn to use your sensitivity to listen to your instincts about these con artists, rather than continually betraying your inner voice.

Since this form of manipulation and abuse is so covert, you may be suffering in silence before you learn to identify what you are experiencing. This is a common side effect of what we know as gaslighting—a tactic in toxic relationships where your perception and reality are constantly questioned and invalidated, and you are told that you are imagining things, oversensitive, and blowing things out of proportion despite mounting evidence to the contrary. A survivor, Annie, described to me her dizzying experience of crazy-making conversations with her narcissistic partner. "When we'd get into an argument and I would back up my side with facts, he would take those facts and spin them around in so many circles that by the end of the argument, he was able to use some of those same facts for himself and leave me feeling lost and ‘crazy.' I'd walk away asking myself how I ever thought standing up for myself was a good thing to do in the first place."

The effects of such disorienting behavior are meant to keep victims of gaslighting walking on eggshells and doubting themselves. Chris experienced emotional and mental abuse in addition to sexual coercion at the hands of his narcissistic girlfriend. His relationship was rife with gaslighting and mind games, which are all too common in cases of covert abuse. He said, "It led me to question my instincts and sanity. She was spinning me around with conflicting stories and discounting evidence that my beliefs were valid. She tried to force me into sexual acts I was not comfortable with and shame me when I didn't comply."

Gaslighting can be extreme when it is used to paint the true abuser as victim, which often happens in cases of abuse. When a toxic person cannot control you, they often resort to controlling the conversation about you by slandering you and staging smear campaigns. Another survivor, Molly, shared with me her harrowing story of how her narcissistic partner tried to stage his own death to frame her and spread lies about her sanity. She wrote: "He held a gun to his head and said that he'd kill himself, make it look like murder to ensure I was to blame if I didn't shoot myself after. He'd tell his family and our close friends that we had true love, yet behind my back tell them I was crazy and suicidal—and he was doing the best he could to help me. I have never been suicidal. This all caused my closest friends and family to lose all faith in me and he totally secluded me from the outside world, limiting me to one meal a day while nursing our newborn."

Although toxicity exists on a spectrum, the merciless cruelty of these individuals cannot be underestimated, particularly when they lack empathy, as narcissists do. These are not normal relationship problems or indicative of a "communication" problem—these are patterns of heinous abuse and calculated mind games. I've heard countless tales of narcissistic individuals retaliating against their victims, especially when their victims decide to leave them—everything from stalking and harassing their victims to releasing their intimate photos and even trying to smear them in their place of work. For example, more than a few victims have told me their toxic partners attempted to paint them as drug addicts to their employers.

I've also been privy to numerous horrific incidents of toxic people abandoning their loved ones in times of distress, grief, pregnancy, miscarriage, and even life-threatening illness. As Tracy, a survivor, described, "I found out that the tissue the doctor removed was an aggressive, unpredictable form of cancer, that I needed to have it removed and it could return or migrate to other tissue or organs. I told him later that same night at dinner at a restaurant. His reply? ‘Are we going to talk about this cancer thing all night?' The morning after my surgery, I asked him if he could make me some coffee and he asked me in return, ‘Why can't you do it yourself?'"

To normal, empathic people, this type of ruthlessness is unprecedented and unbelievable. To a narcissist, this is a way of life. The farther someone is on the spectrum of toxicity, the more sadistic and deliberately malicious they can be. As another survivor, Pauline, recounted, "He told me, ‘If I don't make you cry every year on your birthday, I haven't done my job.' He wasn't talking about happy tears. I found him in bed with a bridesmaid at a friend's wedding reception at the hotel after-party. I opened our hotel room door to find them together, and he asked me, ‘Do you want to be in the middle, or should I?'"

Some of us have encountered toxic people in our own families or were raised by one. One survivor, Damiana, described how her narcissistic mother discarded her during times of illness. "She went out all day. My father found me having fainted and immersed in my vomit. I was dying from peritonitis and I had surgery in the ER. I spent one week in the hospital. My mother came to visit me just two or three times and she never apologized for leaving me alone. The second time, I was twelve. I had the chicken pox, I didn't feel well, but my mother prevented me from resting at home. The first day of illness she went in my bedroom yelling like crazy at me: ‘Out of this house! I don't want to see you!' I had to spend my days out in the street, with my skin full of itchy scabs. With shame and embarrassment."

The impact of toxic parenting can have lifelong effects on victims. Amanda, who grew up with a physically abusive narcissistic father, told me she still suffered as an adult from the impact of having such a malignant parent. She described how she perpetually panicked about whether she had made the right decision and often looked to others to validate her perceptions and actions. She said, "I constantly second-guess my evaluation of situations, and my responses to them. I can't seem to trust my own sense of reality." It was only when she finally had a "name" for her father's behavior that she began to understand and heal from her trauma. "I always felt that there was just something intrinsically wrong with me, but it was him all along," she concluded.

This type of second-guessing is very common among adult children of narcissistic parents as well as survivors of an abusive relationship with a narcissist. As I learned from surveying 733 adult children of narcissistic parents for a previous book, not only does chronic gaslighting instill a persistent sense of self-doubt, but it also leaves the survivor with a shaky sense of self-worth in adulthood. Adult children of narcissists feel "defective" because they experience these traumas at a vulnerable young age. As a result, they suffer from toxic shame and self-blame, self-harm, addiction, suicidal ideation, and a pattern of getting involved with narcissists in adulthood.

Friendships, too, can be rife with narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic friends often target individuals they feel most threatened by or are envious of. Much like the dynamic in relationships, I've heard many stories of how narcissistic friends first flatter and charm HSPs to gain their trust, only to sabotage them and taint their reputation later. One survivor recounted the abrupt betrayal of a good friend who, although first appearing to be amicable and warm, later openly pursued her boyfriend with unprecedented sadism. As she said, "She took pride in the ability to destroy my relationship while appearing to advance herself above me. She made a point to make this drama public and to put me down in front of our mutual social circle." The impact of such a betrayal, combined with calculated slander, was so overwhelming for her that she suffered hypertension, a loss of appetite, and depression. "It was an early learning experience on just how cruel a person could be," she told me.

HSPs like you who've been ensnared by toxic predators tend to blame themselves and look within when they come across insidious abuse. After all, we've been taught by society to discount our instincts and to treat our high sensitivity like a problem rather than a potential skill set. So, speaking out against such a manipulator and, ultimately, speaking up for ourselves can feel like a death sentence, especially when the manipulator in question wears such a well-constructed false mask. As survivor Rebecca told me, her ex-husband was a public figure who hid behind the "cloak of righteousness." She said, "I was affected in many ways. I didn't know who I was. I couldn't make choices for myself. I felt helpless and hopeless. I hated myself. I got to a point where I thought I was the crazy one." I have heard countless survivor stories of narcissistic people who managed to convince society that the abuse—in whatever form it took, whether verbal, physical, sexual, financial, or emotional—did not occur at all.

We are further invalidated by court systems, law enforcement, family, friends, and sometimes even our own therapists who do not realize that this is no "normal" breakup or relationship issue—this is a power dynamic that disrupts every aspect of the survivor's life and mental health. Emotional and psychological abuse destroys self-esteem and self-worth, leaving long-lasting, debilitating effects.

What makes this type of abuse even more traumatizing is the inability to find validation of the immense pain experienced. Victims sometimes go to therapy to find ways to deal with this type of abuse only to be misdiagnosed or encouraged to adapt to their abusers instead of exiting the relationship. They can be further gaslighted into believing they are dealing with someone with empathy and the capacity to change. There are also those who have the misfortune of attending couples therapy only to have their narcissistic partner bamboozle the therapist, play the victim, and use the therapy space as a playground for their various schemes.

You see, not all therapists or academics fully understand the dynamics of covert manipulation and abuse by these predatory types. Why would they? Real narcissists and psychopaths don't go to therapy unless court-ordered to do so, and many wear a compelling false mask. Toxic people live in denial and entitlement, and they feel rewarded by their exploitative behavior. The nature of their disordered behavior is often uniquely hidden behind closed doors, so in order to heal, you would need validation from survivors and trauma-informed therapists who truly "get it."

Like these survivors, and possibly you, I have intimate knowledge of how toxic people operate and what it's like to navigate the world as an HSP. Growing up severely bullied by peers and witnessing emotional abuse were the catalysts that drove me to a lifelong journey of extreme self-care. My high sensitivity and empathy made me a vulnerable target for a variety of toxic people. My childhood programming conditioned me to have friendships and relationships with narcissistic individuals who lacked empathy. Like many survivors of narcissists, I also became entangled in toxic work environments. Learning to adapt to, cope with, and ultimately exit these types of situations while remaining true to myself challenged me to grow in ways I otherwise would not have.

I know firsthand and from speaking to survivors that healing from the devastation these toxic types cause takes enormous inner work. By the tender age of twenty, I was practicing daily meditation, doing all types of yoga, and experimenting with cognitive behavioral therapy, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, emotional freedom techniques, and dialectical behavior therapy as potential modes of healing. I read hundreds of self-help books and took graduate courses in psychology, psychopathology, and sociology at New York University, Columbia University, and Harvard University. I researched bullying and surveyed thousands of survivors just like me for my books. For my master's thesis at Columbia University, I interviewed bully victims, some of whom later became targets for narcissistic dating partners. As a result of all these experiences, I gained a deep understanding and solid knowledge base about the tactics toxic people use and how to navigate them effectively across various contexts.

You've probably found that interactions with toxic people have given you skill sets and knowledge you did not possess prior. Like many children who survive a war zone, as an adult I could recognize toxicity with a far more discerning eye than most. I learned there was a spectrum. While some toxic people are unintentionally toxic, others are deliberately malicious. While a handful are able to change with hard work and brutal self-reflection, most remain cunning and aggressive. HSPs such as myself have to swallow these uncomfortable truths in order to understand the mind-set of someone who seeks to harm us.

If you're an HSP, you've probably developed a destructive habit over the years of trying to educate toxic people on how to be more empathic or considerate. You've probably struggled with boundaries and with extricating yourself from toxic people. This book is meant to help you curb harmful habits like these and refocus on your own self-care, boundaries, and self-protection. In this book, I've integrated life lessons and wisdom not only from my own life but also from the insights I've accumulated from the thousands of survivors and the many experts I've communicated with in order to formulate reasonable advice to better handle these toxic types.

As you work on building healthy boundaries, you will gradually realize it is not your job or responsibility to fix anyone or teach them basic human decency. You are not their parent or therapist—and you've no doubt been quite generous with people who didn't deserve your efforts to help. Spend that time instead on considering whether these people are worthy of being in your life and detaching rather than feeding into the attachment by trying to "change" them. They are adults, and they can change themselves on their own.

This book is not a substitution for therapy; although it was vetted by a licensed clinician, it is meant only as a self-help guide. You should always consider therapy with a licensed professional if you are healing from trauma, have doubts about putting any of these suggestions into practice, or have concerns about your safety. These self-care tips are meant only to supplement your journey toward greater self-esteem, healing, and boundary implementation. Take what works for you and adapt it to your personal circumstances. My hope is that with the information in this book, you will not only learn to make use of the gift that is your high sensitivity but also become highly strategic in your navigation of toxic people.

If you've realized you're an HSP with a habit of becoming entangled with toxic people, know that you're not alone. While some of the traits that make you an HSP can leave you vulnerable to emotional predators, you also have traits that can be used as strengths to detect toxic people, establish solid boundaries, and tackle their manipulation head-on.

Society might have taught you that your sensitivity is a weakness, but it can be your biggest strength. Your "extra" sensitivity is your inner alarm system and shield. It goes off more quickly in the presence of danger. The trick is to tune in to your sensitivity and listen to your inner voice. As an empathic human being, your sensitivity is a superpower. You will learn in the next few chapters exactly how to use this superpower to better distinguish among the different types of toxic people and how to navigate these relationships in ways that best cater to your high sensitivity and self-care needs.